anything すざズノセゆボウふ

2010-06-04T19:53:00.000-07:00

Silly or foolish to throw hints that I am awared large volume of smses generated between you on 'unaccompanied' biz trips by your fave pal.

By doing this, you will be more cautions or sneaky to hid clues futher but to me, I rather plugged up or divert both of you to others paths of communication then letting myself to find out and feel hurt further. Ignorance is blissful - I have to learn to live with it.

I know I can't rid the bitch out of my system but I also won't allow you or her to have my 'blessings' to carry on undercover and under my nose.

I can't trust you anymore since you lied to us (me and family). You yet to apologise to us for what you did that hurts us repeatedly. Whether those are white lies, done out of love (to protect bitch or me), to avoid further misunderstandings or conflicts - bottomline you betrayed me directly or indirectly for not being honest and truthful. Your integrity is questionable and my faith in you dimishes ....

I ceased 'cross-fire' because my love and concern about the innocents, quiet sufferers - kids. It is not fair for them to sandwich between adults issues especially they are still dependents. I also won't wish to lose my worker to earn for my keeps. I look forward to see the end results of the bitch and you .... Looking forward to kids' independence day!!

2010-05-21T17:47:00.000-07:00

If one defaults will receive bad karma in return?

You have been deceiving communicate with your bosom friend and 'forcefully' impose family acceptance and supports of your doings just to retain family unity and being breadwinner.

Apparently, in return you received :-
. unacceptable assessment of your work performance by boss.
. received fraction of performance bonus
. 4 years of working with same boss, yet to receive any abv average recognition
. sored ego and pride
. heaps of tacky issues at work regions
. had a heft fine ($300) for cig butt littering (20/5/10)

If there was God's will to show justice. I have to prepare to watch the final endings of your own makings. Hope your newly selected partner would not have an easy doings as well.

Women can bear all sufferings except the thought of sharing her man with someone. Worst of all, she had to bite the bullet.

2010-04-28T05:07:00.000-07:00

Regional jobs does hurts family relationship. In the past, I would never expect anything that dents my trust in you. I lived by my faith and the old sayings "Absence makes the heart fonder" ... in reality and now 'temporary separation' actually won down bondage, common interst and keeness to share inner feelings.

Each party busy with their personal issues and take each other for granted and as days goes by what's left is responsibilities (perhaps to kids) than love.

In the past, I am looking forward to accompany you to biz trips with the kids - I was rejected and you kept drummed into me that you required peace and sleep at work. I respected your wish. Now the kids are old enough yet I no longer wish to accompany you to trips (although you too never ask), I won't wish to part with the kids alone nor I wish to share a small space with you away from home.

I really lost the trust and faith in you ever since you had a talk with me on 09/09/09 .... whatever you done was a great disappointment to me. That bosom colleague of yours changed you and my perspectives of you totally. Now, I would only believe what I feel and not what being told by you as you mount too much lies and tricks on us. You even sided that non-related person infront of your flesh and blood - how can I ever forget what you done to hurt us deeply.

Even if I don't work against you .... I don't think I holds same sparks as before. I removed my wedding ring on the day, I promised not to sing your bad linens in front of the kids. To me, the band does not holds anymore meaning to it - to be truthful and faithful ... it becomes part of you as you can't remove it, that was what you said before ... "the ring was too small for my fingers", it wasn't the vows that you wish to keep at heart and constantly remind you - you are married and has to be responsible husband and father. The band also failed to fan away anyone preying on you for attention and concern.

2010-04-23T00:15:00.000-07:00

Consciously working under bad reviewed assessment perhaps would trim down your arrogance, stoned you back to own core values and understand how I felt being 2nd fiddle to you, hope it will steer you back to family.

We may not openly provide a lot of tender love, care and support but you also cant treated us poorly or lowly and forced us to accomodate whatever you 'desire' and choices without any feelings - complant, anger, disappointed, sad ...

You being sandwiched between 2 ladies are no blessings but the beginning of a nightmare ... as your newfounded interest would definitely demand more attention and needs from a fool like you to take you further from the family.

Kids are the thrumpcard to gel the family together ... If you continue to slip down further, as times goes by, tables turned, when you become dependent, things may not turn out the way one wishes. Gifts, money are nothing unless one put feelings into it, it is the events and issues that implant a permanent memories that last a lifetime.

Your insensitive, unspeakable attitude and behaviour that shield your bosom pal (colleague) over your family was a great disappointment and blow to us. Even close friends and kids felt I have to set up self protection fund and milk you than letting others live off on you.

Out - budget hotels, bills if possible on credit terms and we have to save personal protection funds, health and sanity to battle against you and your pal.
I can't let you torture me mentally .... and continue to have faith and trust in you, now you are my 'employer' or trader that earns our monthly allowance.

Honestly, we never set ourselves into this, nor ever dream to have such a plan but since last year your abandonment (not calling home for 3 days), and confrontation (9/9/09), plus your continous sneaky and untruthful behaviour - we can't irgnore or presume nothing fishy between you and peking dog.

We have to face reality and come to terms with it .... just wish you have your deserts as soon as possible to atone my years of silence sufferings. I have tolerated since pri 5 (lst was accident but 2nd should anymore especially you never make an effort to rid it forever and make good to the family).

2010-04-21T05:49:00.000-07:00

Whatever you have done, doing are simply unspakable and never can deny you are not heartless .....

1) more than a decade years of living together yet you can betrayed the family to stand up for a woman who you bearly know for more than 5 years and well enough as compare to us (some even your blood and flesh).

2) you can apologise to an outsider but never ever utter a word or feel sorry for hurting your wife and kids. in fact you threaten us if we offend that woman.

3) you can 'abandon' the family while at Australia for 3 days without guilt, worry about anyone welfare at home.

To you if divorce materialise :-

1) you can send the kids to your mother (you think she at age 75 able and want to help you when she herself under others' mercy, in fact she never ever wish to partake in upbringing when the kids are young. Also you are not close to your next of kin for them to fend for you willingly, nor your kids able to accept your arrangement).

2) you employ maid - you treated the kids as toys or furniture without any feelings. if maid can fill up their emptiness, why don't you engage one in the beginning. I really regretted to be thoughtful and loyal wife for you.

3) do you think gifts and money can atone our anger and redeem yourself.

You took us as fools, pest that eats from your hand.

I know I had lost respecta nd trust in you. You can continue to have your sneaky ways to enjoy the attention of any bitches. I only look forward to the day you have all the deserts that falls on you.

As I said before, I will return you or double it up all the feelings you had for me since you met Peggy Long at GE Water.

2010-04-15T06:04:00.001-07:00

All had enough of your wishy washy and secretive behaviour and we honestly see no resolution to it nor able to change you.

To my dearest and beloved, I promised not to talk about you and your bad deeds, afterall it really hurts us more than heal. Felt like we are put into the washing machine, spin round and round with 'no stop' mode, as such I decided not to pin any more hope of you 'to turn over new leaf' - go to hell. Instead I will silently 'accept' your choices and await for a day you have your deserts.

As I said to you before, I will double whatever feelings you had for me. My trust in you dimished on the day you lied infront of kids and myself, your selfish behaviour to standup for your pal, your openess to declare that you share similar common interest with her and your unwillingness to end your relationship even you aware all at home are deeply hurt by you.

Hope we able to make you pay for what you have done.

2010-04-08T01:35:00.000-07:00

Today 8 Apr 2010, I ceased pouring any more woes to anyone in the household about your dirty linens. Your cowardice, stubborness, unchange attitude worn all of us down and since I hae been outreach to you for years, I never able to convince you to change of heart or do something for family. Worst of all, you never bother to response. I have to play second fiddle ... worth it??

My little listeners got upset and tired on the details about you, do I wish to continue to make them more frustrated to the talker (me) and feel I am foolish to stick to my values and determination to standby you for love.

I agreed with them, you won't change - there won't be any solution unless one of you died or leave the company for good. It would be coming too soon - I might as well give up on you and care for myself.

I will treat myself as a paid caretaker. I remain because I truly loved my offsprings. I can live without you ... but I cant provide what you can to them. So till they become fully independent - I will bite the bullet .. harder, harder!
I hope they are wise to fully utilise the resources, time, youth and capabilities to excel the BEST and LOVE themselves. Able to resist temptations to vices (gambling, smoking, drugs, sex, drinking, stealing etcetc). Won't walk the same path as me. Won't pass on same treatment to their own family in future. That will make my sacrifice worthwhile.

2010-04-04T02:57:00.000-07:00

You just simply refuse or ignore other feelings. You often put self before others. Collen's assessment on you regarding lack of interactions and need to be nosey hit bull-eye.

Faceshop products - I specificaly asked you to exclude toner etc as they are heavy and liquid in glass bottles - breakable. Yet you put in on the impose other to fulfil the list.

Yet ... for family shopping list, you simply done it half-hearty and nevery really fil them properly. Uphold the attitude - 'just get something' or 'dont say I never do it' attitude.

In fact, have to prompt you to get it done. Actually you have lots of opportunity and time - with a long weekend in big city, Sydney.

Also, you been corresponding and earsed more than 3 doz of smses. Well, in a way, indicated no Pekinese with you ... flipside, you gave the pet more attention than family - quick and lots of attention. Based on numbers, we only had a daily call per nite (11 out of 13 days away), while one gets approx 3 smses per day.

2010-04-03T04:33:00.000-07:00

I checked your mobile - you had 783 msgs before you left and upon return you had 833. We recorded we send about 1 doz of msgs so the rest wasn't from us, in fact you earsed them, both in and replied messages. Whoever the sender, you want to remain a secrets to yourself.

Till today, I just can't trust nor believe in you totally. I wish, I can forgive and forget what you done that hurted me, but I cant as your behaviour never able to justify. I remain your worker ... and you my ATM.

I wish God will punish you for hurting me and kids.

2010-03-22T01:23:00.000-07:00

Just wonder why no one bother to response to my views or messages.
Either they felt ashamed, guilty .... or can't be bother to air their views to clarify issues or conflict.
As such, I do think it only deepen our differences .... and in no time, I do would give up totally.
It is disappointing and disheartening but I can't carry on with great faith without any support from the end.
No battle if there isn't soldier to fight with.

Be done with it .... all rest in God's hands! My conscience are cleared and had peace with myself.

2010-03-20T19:16:00.000-07:00

Papers reported that females were by and large dominated marginalised. Chinese women wre rendered more tolerant of their straying husbands.

Old thinking still exists - wronged party (usually wife) ought to remain patient and do her utmost to persuade the wayward spouse to return. Tended to blame what they saw as their own inadequacies as wives and mothers as the reason for marital problems and family difficulties.

Why women still bear the brunt of family responsibilities - bottomline it was wayward cultprit made bad choices and women are just victims.

The real enemy of the woman with an unfaithful husband can never be 3rd party alone as it takes two to tango..... Neither was the inadequate of the wife as she at times has to shoulder many roles (wife, mother, daughter or career woman). She definitely won't drive the husband away, just the folly man walked out of love when he has too much in his pocket, or coming of age ... or simply lack of self disciplines, loose moral and values. Whatever men made mistakes, he had no one to blame but himself nor can he fabricated any reasons for his stupid, folly bad mistakes. To all the sinners - you will reap what you sow in the end.

2010-03-08T00:44:00.000-08:00

On 7/3 (Sat) at newstand, you prompted to kdis that I loved to read juicy news about other extramartial affairs, I can't help to take this opportunity that I reand and keen to find out more about others personal issues ebcause I am a 'victim' of similar situations. Whether I hit the bull-eyed, but this was exactly how I felt inside.

You kept mum ... When son reading the papers, you are quick to divert all the passengers in the car to your office matters, yet you again blunder, you mentioned Maverick and XXXX, who is the xxxx (Peggy).

I won't suffer silently, I will continue to allow you to hear my inner voice, whether it moves you or not, I don't care anymore. I am not saving your skin ... I continue to root in the family because of my darling kids. I don't count the number of years we been together, as all these are taken granted by you.

In fact, for years of my advice and 'cries' .... you never seems to change to normal to save the dire situations. Today you exchanged 1/2 doz of sms within a day with your xxxx, earsed all the evidences - isn't you sly devil, so do I need to play saint to forgive you truly?

2010-03-06T07:13:00.000-08:00

I may not know exactly what is going on with my family situation or love life, but I know I need to deal with it anyway. Whether my 'poundings' make sense to you or not, I just wish my inner voice can be heard.

I won't knit any more excuses for your doings to ease my pain within nor to please the rest at home. I would watch the "big hands" from above to handle you.

I am only disappointed with your selection of choices and resentful the treatments you imposed on me and offsprings at times. To you - work, colleagues, money and self are main course and the family are garnishes to compliment.

I look forward to the day you truly valued what you set up (I hope not at your deathbed or battling illness) if not we can't or won't deliver our forgiveness to you for chiselling so many hidden unhappiness into our lives. White lies or whatever are still lies ..... and I really have little respect on liars.

2010-03-01T04:38:00.000-08:00

When the cable tv is down, you just rolled over to sleep and unconcern to help to recover the signal transmission so that I can resume the program and I have to struggle and enlist help.

When you 'soulmate' smsed at Frankfrut to claim unable to attend conf call the next day, other than your willingness to cover her duties. You also overly concerned when her next connectin flight to Brussel and even thought of sms alternative suggestin of mode of transport (by train).

Neither she is in danger, or young, tender and naive to move around. She also a unrelated person besides work. On top of that, isn't you too far to assist and unfamilar with her dire straits situation ....yet you toss and turn the whole night since I deter your 'thoughtful' thought.

I wasn't jealous but I truly disappointed the double standard of you handling circumstances and relationships. I marked this day - 28 Feb 2010.

2010-03-01T04:28:00.000-08:00

Caught you red-handed .... recd sms from Peggy and replied. I am unmoved and my wings are unflaunt, baited you to 'trust' me and hopefully you will leave more traits for me to track you. Afterall it is no longer worth to 'fight' over you.

I was deeplyly heartbroken when you announced openly that you shared common interest with her even threathen family's harmony, survial over her.

Your choice, my slight change of living style ....I won't be a willing caretaker for you without a price.

2010-02-23T23:26:00.000-08:00

To you, an electric guitar would be 'dreamed' gift.
To me,it is an affirmative way to express my 'love' to you ...
But it will be delivered upon you leaving the present job either quit or retire as I still unable to grant full forgiveness to you to nurture a bosom friendship with someone secretly deceited the family, sharing 'unknown' yet strong common interest ... nor able to tolerant years of your lying.

I kept low profile before because I thought I can still trust you but since your exposed lies last year - 09/09/09, your creditability almost become zero. I continue to lie low because I want family harmony for the kids' sake and my survival.

Now what gel is our responsibilities to the family .... and your reluctancy to commit yourself to a firmer relationship with that bitch.

I used to hope we can aged gracefully together, now I hope I live longer to see your end results in GE and also your travelmate.

It was all your making and choices. I am or rather the family were the victims.
You recruited her as colleague, you roped her to join you in second attachment.
You planned and mapped out all the trips together, using company time and funds and hidden the facts from the past and even now from the family.

What are you .... a lier, a cheater and heartless person!!

2010-02-10T17:43:00.000-08:00

I apply softer, but still strong punches onto you.
This time, I ensure you are aware there are more parties involved in our entanglement. I am a victim of your bad choices and I don't see why I should continue to accomodate/tolerate silently your beyond office-hours hanky panky personal activities with others in overseas and still retain your 'faithful, responsible, flawness' images in kids and put myself in bad guy suit.

I want to cut off your wantings, craving and motivations you received from other party. I know it is hard to shoot off the crow but I will try to discipline the rooster instead.

Whether you come back to your senses or continue with your routines .... I would keep a close watch at sideline. Time and god will put everything in order. Even I think my kids are supportive to me than you. You sow what you reap!

2010-02-08T22:15:00.000-08:00

Even you still playing dirty tricks behind my(our) back and feel we are fooled.
I won't unveil your bad deeds, instead adopt a softer approach to make you feel bad for hurting us repeatly.

The harder I hit senses into you, the stronger excuse for you to run away.
The brighter torch the bitch carries.

Whether it works or not, we all aware your bad deeds and no longer feel as bad as before. I am a VICTIM of your bad choices. I don't think I deserved to share your blame of your faults.

I only hope you come to your senses and loosen up that bitch's bit .... if not you end up a loner in your old age or death. Sow what you reap!

2010-02-03T18:49:00.000-08:00

On surface - peaceful and peel open .... all hidden quietly and secretly.
You claimed that you need to watch your behavior and words to talk to me as I would criticize you.
Rather it was your guilt that caused it, you lied repeatly and cleaning up your smses that you are on your toes not to review your dirty tricks and sly attitude.
In fact you had less sleep because you are stressed within because of wrong doings.
You earned no pity .... it was your choice and heartless over your loved ones that you subjected 3 of us to suffer quietly.
We are not culprits of your bad doings, we are VICTIMS.
I not longer feel that I neglect you that drives us apart, rather it was you that willing to be hooked and your reluctant to let go.
You feel we are all under your mercy, we may now but in future ... no one knows.
Looking back, what you really offered to 3 of us, besides food and lodging.
Have you understand how we feel inside nor stood by us when we are sad.
When are you when all your relatives despite us ... you wasn't there to comfort us nor protect us.
Even at trips, you are always away from 3 of us - only excuse, smoking.
I wonder your supportive travelling partner smokes or what exactly similar interests you and her shared.
Till your ill health or death, will she be your side forever and bury you ... will your co laments the lost of your service.
Do you expect 3 of us rooted to you faithfully for all the pains you delivered to us. Delivered warnings at the benefit of your travelling partner.
If career is utmost important thing in your life, may you continue to enjoy till your last breathe, if not when you retires you will feel worst.
I will bury you with your guitar as it was the only thing you truly missed when you are on trips (biz and personal) .... it was the only thing that you spent most and quality time, and the 1st thing you touch when you retured home, next item will be your MP3.

2009-11-17T22:30:00.000-08:00

How can one expect me to have speedy and 'back to normal' recovery after the inner feelings/ego being bruised for years - not once but twice.

Scars and wounds can heal but heart may or may not recover at all. The thought of you not only share so much about yourself and quality time with someone else. Also you was touched, feel supported and delighted to share the common interest with that person, openly declared and sided her - caused to ponder what we are to you now. How could I rekindle the past faith and trust in you.... perhaps never after the saga and confrontations infront of our offsprings.

I felt hurt by deception, lies and the sense of betrayal even there isn't any sexual relationship - it was emotional cheating and can be bomb time to us. We heard and read over the newspaper, yet never ever I thought it would happen to our family.

Do you think I would release your savings (just after 2 months of 'peace') to buy assests. Was it your excuse to squeese/freeze the funds. I would rather have the liquid funds for kids and my security. Should we decide to split - assets more tacky issue to handle and you definitely have upperhand as you will sue me for never contribute into it since I am unemployed.

Now, I have to be careful, smart and map out schemed tactics to battle against the unknown force, your lies and dishonesty to protect my santify and my kids.

You scarifice your integrity, respect, family for work and 'self happiness'. Pathetic!
Till either your death or mine, we would not be skeptical over each other. For you to quite work also impossible - for you to change, it just another lame promise. Six years ago, you stumbled - promised and now you swing back with more doubt vengeance and covered all your dirt tracks ...
and worst you reviewed you are capable to abandon the kids without guilt for 3 days. You even think should things soured between us, you either employ maid or put them with their grandma. Have you ever spare a sincere thoughts for kids' feelings and ego than your own self interest, freedom and self happiness so to speak.

Ruthless and heartless .....

2009-11-13T04:26:00.000-08:00

When men messed up, why does women had to suffer or bear the blunt too?

Case 1 : Man A, had affair with SOA worker, who was so incensed when relationship ended, went to A's flat and poured hot cooking oil over his wife. Poor wife, had a astrayed husband and now scars to remind her betrayal and sufferings .... worst all dirty lines being published on newspaper.

Case 2 : Man B, who was declared bankrupt.... who overspent, gabling and speculating in stocks, murdered his two young kids of 3 and 5 years old, scorned the flat and killed himself, leaving nothing but woes for wife to bear for life.

Men holds poor managements kills over emotions, money and overly self centered??

Often they fault others for their causes, but never review and take the blam for their own making. They viewed the world is at fault but not themself. Why can't take up the responsibilities and goes through a problem than going around it as a loser and never get pass it

2009-11-01T20:30:00.001-08:00

Sometimes we blame the other person for his choice, other times we berate ourselves for pushing them away.

Those who make decisions that hurt us must be accountable. Nobody is ever the same, can't againsee you through the same innocent eyes. A certain degree of integrity can never be reclaimed.

In order to look past these scars, each person will have to grow beyond where they started.
Ought to set boundaries on what acceptable and wont, these decisions has to be based on what is best for myself.

What other person has that differ from your partner

2009-10-27T00:53:00.000-07:00

- offered freedom from responsibilities and nothing but fun, fun, fun ....
- fresh and new
- you didn't know her/his stories nor they hadn't heard your stale jokes
- shown keen interest in everything you said
- had plently to talk about besides children and household matters
- exciting because was forbidden fruit
- none judgemental, didnt complain
- came with no baggage, nor annoying habits
- had time to go to gym and hairdresser to look the best always

With all these how could a tired partner compete with that!!!

2009-10-27T00:51:00.000-07:00

Bruises fade, scars heal but the mind and the heart are more fragile.
Constant lying messed with my head.
One minute I am assured and then next hour you do something wrong to rock my trust.
Lies are form of manipulation.

You may say things you thought I wanted to hear, to protect me but the truth was you may covering up for yourself.

2009-10-25T19:37:00.000-07:00

To me, we shouldn't always expect a return (or reward) for things we do, esp out of love.

To rebuild or renew our ties with our elders are rightful and thoughtful gestures but it wasn't mean to set criteria for kids to copy, to secure our placings in their hearts, to wish to be taken care in our dependency years.

I would think we ought to express our love and concern to the elders and allowed them to enjoy their remaining golden years with us and kids, rather than 'acting filial' or habour hidden agenda.

As much as I hope to continue to have strong bondage with kids when they are fully and truly independent, I hope they will do it out of love and concern. The same I had done for them .... without any expectation of return nor a pricetag on my givings.

I have done and sacrifice.... all these are my choices, my responsibilities and importantly, I loved them dearly - in the past, now and perhaps future.

2009-10-21T01:07:00.000-07:00

I used to trust and had strong faith in you.
I often thought I am being too skeptical over you.
I also keep blaming myself for the differences we had between us.
I thought I have neglect you because I am only caretaker at home.

I never would thought ever since you joined Water, you created a new you in you.
I never would imagine you craftly keep low profile to cover your dirts outside and retain your sheepish self at home.

I never would think you are capable to enforce great support and alias with others instead of loved ones at home - guess we only your top priority.

I ever dream you can lied between your eyes infront of your offsprings without feeling guilty.
Either I would think you are capable to have a peace sleep while in Australia without hearing any of your darlings' voices for more than 48 hours. Do you think you are still the unchanged, old person regardless of your choices.

I am hurt through and over .... you can apologised to an outsider but never even you heard my cries.

You can continue to lie even you are being confronted ...., you can continue to put out shows and acts to pretend you are still the same old angel at home, you are no longer the person we used to know and lived together.

I have to put on mask like you and play along with you.
In front of me, are fuzzy thoughts about future ... I don't really know how long we have to play actor and actress.

I only know and heard from you loudly and clearly ..... "between xxx and myself, we had created common interests and xxxx been very supportive".

If you are strike by illness or at the verge of danger and death, would you still hold same thoughts you had, you have great support and understandings outside your family, would your supportive friend ran over to assist, nurse or bury you.

I prayed I would live to witness that .....
You are no longer the same person I know and lived with more than 2 decades.
I don't really know why you continue to hold on to me, when I really had enough and almost don't wish to tolerant and forgive you anymore.

You worn me out - you no longer a trustworthy person, not once but twice you cheated. Now you are even more sly to hid the trails well and capable to lie yet continue to put me in bad light and shape.

I have proposed for division of assests etc .... just buy me out - if you really found your bosom love and desperate for freedom. Since you can tolerant not to talk to any one at home for 72 hours while abroad .... and actually prepared to continue the stunt till return which is another 9 days ..., what else would you not capable of.

I am only idiot to be fooled and toyed by you .... I only so soft hearted to bend for the rest at home. When would the day ends ..... 2012?

2009-10-21T00:39:00.000-07:00

The thought of you covering your tracks and fooling behind our backs angered me.
Now evidences shows how much you been lying and even when being confronted, you still stood firmly rooted for her instead of your family that adds more pain into me.

I would only fault you for being dishonest, for being sly, for being irresponsible to us at home.
I dont really know if I could trust you anymore. I am very tired to check on you while you covering your tracks, I really hate hide and seek games.

If only you or that person will drop dead on this earth, it will be an enclosure for me and us.
You brought so much pain to me for so long, that at times, I think I am guillble to believe and trust you for your faithfulness.

Even there isn't any physical attachment but you definitely commit emotional affairs that I was humilated for not able to keep you by my side. I only have a empty shell .... you have so much private jokes, supports and closeness that you never share that with your partner.

I really wasted my youth, effort and support for you .... .... do I still need to carry on for the sake of money and our next generations. God help me to decide. I am fighting very hard alone, even my little supporters are worn out - what about me? I am no wonder, super woman.

2009-09-24T04:24:00.000-07:00

On 999 nite (9 Sept 09), you took away my breath and cut me to the heart when you confessed you found yourself sharing similar interest with another woman. Whatever it is or was, I wasn't amused and keen to find out further. It pains me ...

Kept me wonder till today what I can do to have the same honorable place in your heart. What I have done less to let you lose interst in the family.

What wedge between us?
What blinds you?
What steer you away?

I am still the old faithful and yet slowly but surely you evolve away .....

I deeply wonder what will be your reactions and thoughts if I deliver the same pitch to you one day. Will you give me your blessings to continue my quest with other male or you will have bruised ego too.

I must thank you for being truthful for once ....
I don't really know how long and how much you hide from us, you only shoulder responsibilities - to provide us - food and lodging, what about our soul, our feelings.

Of course, I want you to enjoy things and get whatever you can buy .... but this is our lives together and our money, we have to work through our problems, let go our anger and get back to happy life.

Can't we or will we??
Money is useful .... but it simply can't replace and buy all the things in the world - health, respect, love, trust and faith.

2009-09-19T22:16:00.000-07:00

SBeen a while since I keep entries - not that all well smoothly, in fact opposite to it, just find it hard to pen it down.

Read recently - adults has a typical pattern after the termination of a relationshp.

SHOCK - Disbelief and numbness, marked by difficulty with eating, sleeping, and general functioning.
HOPE - Active attempts, negotiations, and manipulations designed to try and win the lover back.
ANGER - Outward expressions of animosity directed depression and self-doubt.
DESPAIR - Inward direction of emotions, including depression and self doubt.
INDIFFERENCE - No significant emotional response to lover.
GROWTH - Feelings expressed in a positive way and transferred to a new relationship.

Shock - You were devastated when your lover told you that the relationship was over. You couldn't be believe that your dreams for a future together were shattered. Your senses shutdown and you are difficulty eating or sleeping. You were able to move out of this stage by seeking comfort and protectionwhile restoring your body, mind and spirit.
Hope - During this stage you tried deperately to reinstate the relationship. You wanted your lover back with you out of familiarity, loneliness, or pain. In working through this stage, you realized the importance of accommodating yourself rather than your ex-lover.
Anger - In this stage, you became furious at your ex-lover, the relationship itself, and the way it had ended. Gone was the idea of winning your lover back, you wanted revenge. You passed through this stage by learning to vent your anger in a constructive rather than a dangerous way.
Despair - No longer angry at your lover, you turned on yourself. You questioned your self-worth,a nd it was difficult to think or act positively. You worked through this stage by releassing the past and becoming more future-oriented. Instead of blaming yourself, you found constructive solutions to your problems.
Indifference - Eventually, you realized that you were'nt linked to your lover emotionally. You began to ask yourself questions such as 'Where do I go from here?' You began to pave the path to independence and build the foundations for future relationships.
Growth - You finally shed that person who ocupied so much of your emotions and time. From this persepctive, it almost seems unbelievable that he or she caused you so much distress. You are ready to move into more rewarding, positive relationship. Or you might have made the decision to enjoy life independently for now.

Growth doesn't occur in an hour or a day. But by being gentle and supportive with yourself, you can make the transition from pain to recovery. Whenever one ever feel desperate or find ourselves stuck at any stage, seek help. It's all right to get assistance, asking for support when you need it is actually a sign of inner strength.

GOOD LUCK

In GOOD times, PRAISE GOD! In BAD times, TRUST GOD! In DIFFICULT times, SEEK GOD and in ALL times - THANK GOD!

2009-07-19T19:45:00.000-07:00

No quick fix for an aged, overlooked, unresolved issues, but fixable if all agreed to focus on healing than deeper the wound.

Flexability and freedom you are seeking but I have been shouldering the burden both physically and mentally too long that I felt over stretched and worn out, worst of all unappreciated.

You hurted my emotions in 2003, now after 3 years (2006)- you redo it again with more vengeance. This time, I think I didn't nip it in time, or you are smart to hide the evidences or perhaps I trusted you again or the other party.

I can't turn back the clock to restart. I only laments all the wrong choices I made. I wrongly advise you to be more interactive your peers and adverture out while you are abroad so that to cut down loneiness. Indeed that was my good intentions that turned into bad thoughts.

Resentful is pointless, life must carry on and I have responsibilities to fulfill. Now, I only wish yuo are able to understand me better and more responsible to family. To expect a drastic change in attitudes both at home and importantly away, will be harder to achieve, I might as well change mine to meet up with all expectations.

I won't bear the full blunt of rejections, allegations, dejections, responsibilities for you. I will roped you in to share my responsibilities as parents, spouse, child etc...

Afterall, do I deserve to suffer in silence, I done it more than 2 decades .... I too need some breathing space. We each has different work and responsibilities .... impossible to dictate who's is more important than the other. You can't be a part timer at home and be a chameleon while away..... I shouldn't continue to paint your good, old daddy image for you, when you do have a lot of rooms for improvement.

Time to REVOLT!!

Thoughts after 15/7/09 (perhaps our last talk)

2009-07-15T20:13:00.001-07:00

For years, I been struggling with emotional entanglement. I often fault myself for neglecting you, but focus on parenting and housekeeping, I thought it was a way to love my kids and to allow you to have a peaceful mind at work.

In year 2003, when you first side-trip to Suzhou nd brought back uninvited and unwelcome flirtations from Sharon, we had our 1st domestic marriage tiff over feelings. I was deeply depressed, dejected and almost wish to leap out of the dinning window to end my miseries. I told you my bad thoughts but you are so egoist and individualist that you failed to shelter me my needed attention and comfort, what added to my stressload was you threaten to divorce me if I confronted the lady colleague, Sharon. I was devasted but what kept me alive till today, was my responsibilities to my kids, my beloved ones. I bit the bitter bullet and pulled myself together to brave though the crisis and bad thoughts, at that time, I am still a hermit at home, without friends nor attentive relatives to help. I only have myself and perhaps God, kids were too young to understand nor help. By God's grace, Sharon left GE, perhaps you have no deeper working relationship or time together.

What I never suspected, unexpected or underestimated the vulnerability of a man's weakness of travelling abroad alone or the powerful influence of a married woman, Peggy to mess out our lives, 3 years later from the lst saga. When you moved to GE Water in 2006. What you concealed from the family was Peggy (who used to be ex colleague) also joined you in Water sametime, you two been traveling as a team for business cum short sightseeing trips over the long weekends. Until I sensed the difference in your dressing and overly concerned about your own skin, it was almost to late to uproot or should said unable to put a stop of the extra activities as you are 'blessed' by the upper level GE personnel for spearheading the idea of pulling resources and done a 'good' job and practice for others to pursue as a role model.

The downtown was you become more and more distance from the family unity. Very disinterested about our welfare, besides feeding us or providing allowances. You also uninterested in hearing our issues. When son almost had a brush against the law and suffered a stroke of cane in school, it didn't alarm you to take a stronger role or stand as a doting father to guide him to transist to adulthood. I paddled alone, juggled very hard to nurse my son's low self-esteem, son's 1st cyber heartache, your coldness, our sour relationships, son's secret indulgences, daughter's inferior shy complex plus swallow put up with the mean atttitudes from the external family members. I almost had the 2nd breakdown, but I keep my positive thoughts and self justify. In fact, from the day, I married I been treated coldly by my in-laws, whatever the reasons, I don't care because I only think care about my whole world, my immediate family. My family was most important and my pillar of strength, especially my kids. I know, my kids find me to rigid in parenting skills but I was more than fearful that they strayed because of single parenting style. I filled up all the gaps and buried my unhappiness within my heartwalls.

With constantly Peggy sandwiched into our relationships, I ws so tensed each time, you leave home on biz trip yet I have to remain calm and collected for kids' sake, I beared the radical changes we observed and subjected to by you.

I worked very hard before, now for the family. I decided to be more open to discuss my embedded feelings thinking it was the best way to reach out to you to salvage our dysfunctional family situations. Europe trip in 2008, supposedly a time to revisit our honeymoon places alongside with kids, a planned memorable time for all, yet Peggy chose to contact you on our 2nd day of our holiday to chat unimportant issues. The whole conservations was long, causal talk, but it upsets our plans, stirred up my jealousy and uncomfortable feelings. I still kept my cool not to affect everyone moods, and spolit our holidays, I done it for kids and hoping the trip will make a difference for you and me.

Been half a year since we returned from Europe, nothing has change nor you keep up to your promise to be proactive in parenting. You are back to your old self happily and continue busy at work, continue the 'tryst'. Maybe, there isn't any out-of-line relationship. I didn't bother to get PI to check to save money and heartache. Only you will know if you are a betrayer.

For sure, there isn't any firm assurance and comfort to ensure my confidence in you, rebuild the trust and respect. You only leave many suspicious trails of the 'betray' or the 'good' times and attention you spent on unrelated woman and stroked the uneasines among the family.

You had change, or being influenced ...... whatever, again I back to race to rescue the relationship, I took to reach out to you through emails not alarm the kids openly. All these efforts seems failing or worsen the situations now.

You ahd a short and sudden trip to Vietnam, Thailand and Msia ... all H1N1 affected areas. I was respectful and not skeptical you had accompany. I was more worry about your health, and upset you never follow my advice of taking vitamin C and stayed away crowded areas etcetc.

Guilt must consumed you, your blurred out Peggy's presence, we again upset each other. This time, you roped in the kids to have an 'open' frank resolutions and views about how to improve family ties and to hear you out your difficult viewpoints of being scrutinized. I left Peggy out of the picture, I don't really want to tarnish your good daddy image to the kids nor I really have an axe to grind against a woman, I yet to meet. You spearheaded an idea to have an hour of family contact time, there was merely a promise not a committment for you (we) never get down to materialize it since you drawn on 29 June 09. Whatever, the reasons was I didn't probe it as I don't wish to intervene and deem I am the 'controller' or 'dictator' in the family. I worn out and don't want to play any more bad guy image in the family.

Last few days before your trip to Australia on 12 July was surprisely pepped up with short quiet time together as a healthy couple without kids to do some shopping. Alas these special memorable moments will be shortlived. Wonder if it was done to compensate me ......, or what?

Your trip to Australia was extremely early in the am, which was a little abnormal style of yours and you never call home at departing airport which is your routine. When I realized you forgotten to bring your secret mapped out large shopping mall map of Brisbane (probably plan to explore over the weekend, since you are leaving Sydney on Fri nite) and being booked on the last outing flight home. I just causally popped out my queries in front of my kids without any bad thoughts if will turned out to be uncontrolled explosion from you.

I supposed stepped on your raw sore paw and you slammed down the phone saying you are pissed off, what came next ..... the next 2 days, you don't even bother to call home to report your safety and check on your kids. Why punished the innocents and little beloved darlings of yours if you greatly valued them, they are not for fun nor toys only. Was work or peers more essential and important than the family you established and groomed.

I am fuzzy and confused, in a state of denial, dejected. God please help me to tide over, look after my kids. I am truly sincerely sorry to put them to test their objectives, persectives and mental abilities ... shame to put them in such difficult situations because of my choices.

I thought I done a great job to hold the fort in tact and shoulder all the unhappiness, workload without any complaint for over 20 years and it was a ripe time to let my beloved man to hear my grievances and understand me better, to win his confidence, trust, respect and love for me and kids. Move on to the next phase of silver life together.

The last and least I expected ..... and I don't know what I can I still do to rescue the bad situations or what had happened to the man I spent more than 25 years with. What is install before us.

God whatever the consequences I am willing to bear but I don't wish to subject my kids to hurt and unhappiness, please strengthen them and be with them as before, now and forever. Amen!
Show me the right path to move on ......

Accept others unconditionally

2009-06-28T00:28:00.000-07:00

Many people tend to have the attitude that their friends and family members should always live up to their expectations, be available to them at all times, always be in tune with their needs, agree with them, and see everything from their perspective.

When one set those demanding requirements for your relationships, you're bound to be disappointed. Offer your friendship unconditionally and you will be rewarded with theirs.

If your friends are unappreciate about your good intentions and holds negative impact that would influence you .... do distant self from them. You would not wish to be one of them, and it is definitely not worth to rope into negativity to win those superficial friendships.

Be Wise!!

2009-06-05T19:30:00.000-07:00

I always thought if one opens their hearts to confide, that person requires not only listening ears but seeking for help .... I would gladly to fill up that hot seat and do my best.

Sadly to say not all confidants are ready to be helped nor that even needs to be helped. Some are clearly seen in the mess (emotional entanglement) yet seek no resolutions nor willing to change self to make themselves feel better.

They kept blaming others for their being, without realizing it is easier to change self to accomodate others imperfectations and compromise ... restart a new start. Many chose to hole themselves into their self-made prison, self pity .... exhausted all the ears that crosses their path.

I also felt the more I try to help the more frustrate I am as I don't see any willingness to change for better, nor felt the responsibilities to make the difference for the kids' sake ....

I guess a good samaritan must save emotional energy for someone who appreciates and treasure. I have been strong fighter for my family, I thought I would able to share my views and experience with you ..... but you put religion between us.

If you are truly a Christian, I don't think you will continue to be so earthly beings, holds so much anger, unforgiveness in you .... Whatever, I am still your friend but I would not too involve in your personal matters for I think you only need a listener to hear your recorded, broken issues.
I am putting a full stop to my counsellings to you.... I rather focus more on my family and self.

2009-05-03T06:53:00.000-07:00

Unfair to me ...
I done my best to shelter you.
I contribute my prime age and my career for your sake and upbringing.
I didn't demand nor expect any big rewards in return.

Just be nice to me, respect me and don't vent out any outburst of anger as though I am wrong to take care of your health and well being.

Inborned DNA just a little impact on a person well being.
One has to cultivate and take care of the good genese in them.
Eg ... regardless how good a quality of wood was, if it left unattended and under harsh elements,
its glory will diminish each day and perhaps one day it will rot.

I don't understand why Mary & Eden's blessed with loving, caring kids.
I don't think I gave less love and attentin to you all but unfortunately I had more stubborn, mean, selfish and impulsive coop.

What I have done less to deserve this.
I have a positive, calm, forgiving and accomodative character, yet I was noticed nor respected.
Unfair to me ........

2009-04-21T20:20:00.000-07:00

It is the scariest thing I found, hardest issue to keep mum, sweep it under the carpet and helpless to know what to do.

Simply can't understand why you unable to resgister the consequences of mistakes and learn through the process and never, never repeat the same foolish act again.

Pointelss to package one good image but beneath a wolf hungry of lust and seeking an opportunities to prey on others. In fact you are a victim of self imposed trap - to trap yourself to commit a foolish crime whereby no one would show any mercy due to your size, age or personal emotion struggles or what you have to lighten your sentences or crime.

To think you are hunter, you plan to bait others due to their greed, you are actually a prey for others (esp girls) to manipulate your mind, sell your soul, principles and future.

You are thinking straight and mindful not to slip to bad books/gaps again.
When and how you able to come in terms with yourself and learn to discipline yourself.

No one able to accomodate you or guide you throughout your life, nor anyone will pity you, grant you merciful - it is not a passing or growing phase, it is a like malignant tumour growing and controlling your goodself.

The world may come to end, when and how no one able to tell. You may laments you never do naughty things and you don't deserve to wipe off like others on earth but if you think if there is salvation, you may live better and longer in next phase but you habour such sinful thoughts, you no difference with any sinners.

2009-04-17T04:39:00.000-07:00

Examine our hearts ....
Are we lovers of ourselves?
Lovers of money?
Proud?
Abusive?
Disobedient to our parents?
Ungrateful?
Unholy?
Without love?
Unforgiving?
Slanderous?
Without self-control?
Brutal?
Not lovers of the good?
Treacherous?
Rash?
Conceited?
Lovers of pelasure rather than lovers of God?

Having a form of godliness but denying its power?
Loaded down with sins? Swayed by all kinds of evil desires?
Always learning but never able to acknowledge the truth?

Never follow others footsteps to sin and think it was right choice knowing the end days are near and you would not want to lose out.

It is our repent and surrender our sins to Lord that we are saved from the coming judgement of fire. We are subjects to temptations, we do need the strength and guidance from God to help resist these temptations from the evil. It is the testing of the faith.

You have heard His words since young, through kindergarten, secondary school ...., He cares and loves you dearly, as much as your parents unconditioned love.

Pray to God, shared and thank Him this care at the end of day. Seek His help and guidance for your troubles and healing of your injured spirit and soul.

2009-04-06T01:45:00.000-07:00

Six or rather more than 5 years ago and now, I grew ... in age, thinking and outlook.

Either I gave up on you or I think through, it is not worth to pursue on something I can't overturn the facts nor you keen to work together hand in hand with me to renew our past.

Whenever you have crossed the line or not, I don't think it is worth for me to poke further to seek the truth, and get myself hurt all over again. Afterall, the last time, I am at the verge of death, it is not you to pull back but myself.

Do you care, will you be bother .... read somewhere, there is 3Ds for one to uphold as a leader :-
-Do
-Delegate
-Dump

I done my part many years ago, fixed up the broken pieces. Been at the bottom of my emotions, darkness filled my world, yet I fake on smiles not to hurt others nor upset the coop.
I would never let it happen to me again, not any more.
Even I did try to keep the communication lines open, it wasn't the same as before so as the response I receive or rather no-reply at all. So I would never let my tears felled because of you.

My focus point always pinned on family 1st and working to my bones for it - keep it in tact, harmony and almost trouble-free. Emotions drained and yet file no complaints. About time, I learn to focus on myself

To those who have bitterness on them or with them ... learn to let go, it is easier on yourself.

Job hunting

2009-03-24T00:22:00.000-07:00

Someone dear to me went out job hunting and was turned down a couple of times.
Presume he awares after his search ..."It's really hard to get a job?"
This was a valuable discovery for him, can't think of a better piece of life learning than this.

When you think you are marketable and available, there are others may think you still short.
When you think you are easy and capable, there are others better than yourself and picky.
When you think you are cheap, there are others just want to gain experience than gold.

Equip yourself further, draw up your goals, map out your future.
Don't take it day by day, rather visual self, you will see yourself in 5 or 10 years time.
Don't colour your world so beautiful, rather be realistic ... ensure your plans are met.
In good or bad economy, we still need to battle through, it is up to our choices how we brave thru

2009-03-11T02:20:00.000-07:00

I had shorter nite sleep upon your return from U.K.
Guess insufficient peace between us, still sore or don't know how to face you.
Although trivial, but I felt I become your sandbag for you to vent out frustrations.
I actually was a scapegoat, if I did not heed to check on you, you don't need to correct my english

In order to enjoy friendship and build up a stronger understanding,
one should able to compromise each other and not dominative.
Worst to fault your closet allies in front of public and at break of daylight.

Even we both apologise to each other for getting into each other nerve.
I took the initative to do so first and I don't see why you put me as secondary to deliver the apology pitch. Afterall I am the sufferer.

I am not the petty person but I felt I had done some 'extras' more than others and being mistreated, I will definitely stock count my relationship with you. I would put a comma to it.
It never be the same as before, for I will want to protect my pride nor wish to step on your tail.

2009-02-28T22:03:00.001-08:00

Keep in mind that one have a right about own feelings and choices. We can and I definitely able to accept anyone negative feelings but it does set me to think and act cautiously how and what I deliver and how it interpret without crossing the fine line of friendship or relationship.

Each one has emotional roller coaster, but I do feel I shouldn't be the person tot ake all punches quietly and constantly.

I don't think I ned to 'buy' friendship to fill up my boredom. I also don't need to mask myself to be in other good books. I think I am capable to look for other outlets to de-stress myself. My friends, family and relatives should enjoy my accompany, my humble self than don on me that I have to please and agreed with them constantly.

I like others to accept me as myself.
I like to have assurance and recognition.
I am an easy going person but I do have my moods and feelings.
I also entitle to my rights about my choices and take charge of my feelings.
I don't vent out my frustrations easily nor do I wish to be anyone sandbag.

Dont take me for a free ride.
Dont let me regret to let you partake my life.
Dont let me feel that there is no love and understanding on this Earth.

2009-02-16T21:05:00.001-08:00

Great to have ally as their weight worth more than gold.
You able to talk freely, confidently without fear that your words will backfired.
You know you not only have a listening ear, but good and sincere advice.

Such alliance, hard to come by.
People often embody with motives to befriend you.
Some even exchange your heartfelt thoughts with someone in exchange of own benefits.

Even in family, no one really see you as a valued person.
Your effort and past contributions only taken for granted.
Their personal needs and friends worth more than your kindness.

Sadly, people only consider when the economy will pick up again.
Money ... is all they see and want.
Have anyone ponder what really fill the heart, mind to make one happy - to love and be loved.
Not BGR, but really unselfish, sincere concern ... ... that money can't measure or buy.

2009-02-12T01:10:00.000-08:00

Never a day, I enjoyed being what I am today.
Never a day, I never try to work the best for the day.
Never a day, anyone appreciate to have me around.
Never a day, anyone enjoyed what I have done now, before.

I don't know my purpose of life.
I don't know when the end of my journey.
I don't know how to finish the race without regrets.
I don't know why everything and everyone turns against me even I never bare an ill feelings.

I wish I will have a good purpose in life.
I wish I will go to a place where no one knows about me and my past.
I wish I will strong enough to abandon everything to find my true happiness.
I wish the end of world is near ....

2009-01-08T21:37:00.000-08:00

To able to win others' respect and trust one ought to prove himself or herself.
To able to let have a personal choices one should able to believe the other party strong shoulder.

Take two to tango, so no party should be a dictator or follower.
Take two hands to clap to make a sound, so no party should have any underground activities.

Trust and confidence takes a long time to build.
Yet it takes one bad move to break down the trust wall.

How you are going to treat me - is the future.
How you wish to be treated - is the present.
Dont harp what you are going to do to me, for these are unknown and beyond your control.
Who needs who are still ??? (unwritten) in the book.

If you think I am treating you well for my future, then I rather keep the present for myself then worry about the future. No one has a crystal ball or able to make firm promises.

What you will be in future is not anyone making but the choices you made for yourself.

2009-01-08T21:29:00.000-08:00

Revisited some of countries, been there donkey years.
Expected very little changes due to such countries often uphold their history.
Yet was surprised that there are many changes surrounding the old.

Get to realize that one ought to accept certain amount of changes to stay abreast but still require to uphold our morals and principles for these are the elements that mould us what we are now.

We also cant deny that certain unknown and unseen influences, can sip into our lives and found a firm foundation, so we ought to be wise to filter the bad from the good, before we lose our identities completely and allow the evil to grow within our heart walls.

2008-10-31T00:04:00.000-07:00

Today, I attended my 1st parenting talk .....
Interesting to know I am not alone struggling to be heard or listen to ...
We had so much baggages with us, that we felt we are alone, in fact we are not alone on Earth.
When we walked out of our shell, more acceptance with our terms,
We realized that are many people with similar issues among us, sharing the same Earth.

We often listens with 3 attitudes :-
- listening with calloused heart (with hidden and unsettled issues, we enveloped ourselves)
- listening wtih thorny heart (load with worries and anxieties)
- listening with superior or discontended heart (my words are final because I am wiser, older and holding high authority)

We need to be more :-
O - open
P - positive
E - empathetic
N - needs

We should not blame anyone for things that go wayward.
We should not fault others for things that falls below our expectations.
We ought to accept our differences, hear, feel and more supportive - put ourselves in their shoes
We ought to open up to our loved ones without fear, without judgement, without criticism
Afterall, our loved ones are those who stick thick and thin with us beside God ... not friends.

2008-10-17T06:16:00.000-07:00

Feeling lost and crippled on how to reach out to you, specially you are so dear to me.
Am feeling down and dejected, why we are in such a state,
Instead of supporting each other physically and mentally, we are part, eager to fault findings.

I never doubt your abilities nor capabilities,
I only wonder why you lack of motivation to stretch the best ...
Can't find the 'never say die' attitude, able to step onto the blade,
Able to walk the talk.

Just don't know when you come to terms with yourself,
Forgive yourself, and forget the past,
Walk into the positive and bright side of life.

Your life definitely longer and more exciting than mine
Yet you groom yourself that it will be more doom than mine
I felt so tired and beaten up, walking and having faith in you
My self-esteem lowers each day, my self confidence weaker each day

What I have done wrong and what I miss ...
What I can do to do it right and what I amend for you ... for you are so dearly to me.
What is ahead of you, I am so uncertain and fearful for you
Wish I can take your place and run the race for you.

2008-10-12T05:23:00.000-07:00

Often I bounce back whenever I am down ..
Planted within me a forgiving heart, positive mindful and give the best I have for family ..
Yet I earned in return, am nothing but a mean person to thumb everyone down ..
Strangely, friends or aquaintance find me, caring, detailed and understanding ..
Yet in my family, I am demanding and unreasonable ..

I just don't know how long I am holding up for my loved ones ..
To me, the differences in opinion deepen each day ..
I felt deeply being trapped in a hole ..
No matter how hard I tried to reach out for all, I wasnt appreciate ..

It is hard to forget how people make me feel ..
I have been very mindful not to cross any line nor hurting others ..
I have been very supportive and encouraging my loved ones to move on ..
Yet each hard thought effort goes to waste .. I am fighting a lonely fight and fearful about future..

God, give me a sense of directions ..
I am been determine to work out every problem I encountered ..
Yet now I think my head strong mind is wilting off ..
I don't know how and what is the best way to carry on ..
Wish I can get out of the trap, be free once again ..

2008-10-10T01:18:00.000-07:00

Don't know what's wrong with you.
No inspiration, no self motivation, no desire to work hard, to achieve the best you deserve.
Just dream or fantasy what you are and think you will be.

In reality, you are below performer, despite having qualities to excel.
The reason, you don't wish to work with your hands and brains.
You kept thinking that you are the best and refuse to realize many have gotten ahead of you.

You just waiting for some miracles to happen, some lady luck or whatever.
There are none, even God only help those who helped themselves.
There are many christians dying everyday, somewhere, they been praying faithfully.....

The only well earned reward you had was ages ago.
You had so much fighting spirit in you, that the book was not worth the value yet it was yours.
Wonder when you will earn the next well deserved reward??? besides birthday or festives.

No one able to say that they are well prepared for something.
No one able to say that they are definitely made it.
Everyday is a gain day if you are fully utilise it.
Everyday is a lost day if you never do anything useful with it.

What's your purpose on Earth?
What's your vision for yourself?
Other than getting minimal from the parents, do you wish to continue to have that support.
You are older enough to fend for yourself, do you wish to work hand to mouth.

2008-10-02T06:29:00.000-07:00

Friends to us, a good listener to our inner feelings/thoughts.
Friends to us, a good gem to share our loneliness.
Friends to us, a good companion that don't judge us nor criticize us in any conditions.
Friends to us, a good example for us to copy in order to stay savvy.

Little we know, friends just listen to our complaints but offer no sincere help.
Little we know, friends just spend time with us, to kill their own time.
Little we know, friends just act impartial to win our friendship/companionship.
Little we know, friends just like us, copy our style.

We dislike family members for their nagging, they are too caring that become irritating.
We dislike family members for their coldness, they stand away our business to avoid conflict.

How can one claim they are loving people, if they can't love their own family members.
How can one claim they are helpful people, if they can't help their own family members.
Charity begins at home.... One can't preach about love, if one can't love every human.
Human can seen, God is in our heart and invisible.
Let us learn to love our family members today for tomorrow is not guaranteed.

2008-09-29T22:17:00.000-07:00

When I am in trouble, I can't count on you for help.
When I am in sadness, I can't count on you for comfort.
When I am in pain, I can't count on you for relieve.
When I am in depress, I can't count on you for uplift my spirit.
When I am in alone, I can't count on you for companion.

I don't know why I am in this entanglement.
I don't know when I am able to set myself free from you.
I don't know why I am destinated to be mentally torture by you.
I don't know how to spend more years with you.

2008-09-21T22:22:00.000-07:00

Family should be a monarchical one??
Rule as a monarch??
Being a monarchy, it's ok but should allow the younger ones to grow up better than the elders, not the same or lower - than the society will not improve.

Elders should share their experiences and guid the younger into an understanding, mature and righteous person, sametime learn with them the changes of the world, walk together and not apart.

All should give each other love and support rather than dictate our needs/wishes and wants the other party to follow/succumb.

You many not loved or ever love beofre but that's not an excuse why all have to grew up or mould into the same way you has been. In fact, you should give us what you had missed.

Our actions and works are our testimonial and not by our words that proclaim what we are!

2008-09-15T04:06:00.000-07:00

If only I can know how long I am on Earth
I would able to prepare myself to embrace the best and worst that falls before me
I would enjoy each day more happily and map out the remaining days

If only I can know what is my purpose on Earth
I would less angry to those who hurt me repeatly
I would be more forgiving to those who betrayed me

If only I can re-live my youth again on Earth
I would be more selective and wise in making my choices and weigh my options carefully
I would not be what I am now .... would be better for sure

If only my loved ones understand my doings/works on Earth for them
I would able to live happily with them, less conflict and more understanding
I would not doubt my worthiness in their eyes and heart

No matter what, how and when I would never give up my goals and mission
All get fail, hurt me .... but myself
All can abandon and forsake me ....but you, God you always faithfully support me

2008-09-09T20:28:00.000-07:00

I don't know how to reach out to one who refused to listen, and open self. Walked in circles and in darkness.

I don't know why you kept testing my patience and doubt my kind intention of helping/supporting you to be a fighter than a loser in life.

I don't know why I am the one who believe you can make changes, while you think you are done with and nothing more can be done - you tried enough.

I don't know why I am so stressed up, losing my sleep since the grades don't mean anything to me but the one affecting is pressure-free.

I don't know why everyone give up hope, yet I faithfully keeping my faith and reaching out.

God help me to carry on the race .....
Help me to believe that under no circumstances should I worry about, for you always there.

2008-09-07T21:01:00.001-07:00

Congratulations Serene Williams, just like you mapped out for yourself, you are World No. 1.
You been a good player, a stronger believer of yourself and wish all have the same chips in them.

You had ups and downs over the years yet you treated them with grace instead of bitterness, never let these failures, injuries hinders you but a form of motivation to make you more determined and stronger to return to field/court.

You nursed failures, injuries and you done it beautifully, fighting like a cow and sealed all odds against you. Although you loses your head upon knowing you won the USA Open, but who cares about gracious in pics, you deserved the precious moment, you earned your keeps ....

Well done! You been no. 1 before, it slipped away for a long time, and you worked very very hard to return ... it is your hard work/effort and mental strength you habour within you and not so much others in the family supports you, of course they chorus behind you but you are on the court fighting for your dreams/goal.

2008-09-07T19:53:00.000-07:00

Precisely, no two person on Earth has the same pressure and issues on their shoulders.
But after stepping out my homeground to mix with real people in my exercise group, I realised I am not alone to saddle some strains and stress with family issues. Everyone has their fair share of emotional entanglement.

I am learning to accept and love myself. I can't keep thinking about others, work like a cow and neglect myself. I have done so much at home that I felt I fighting a lone battle alone and yet no one understand and support me, mentally, emotionally.

I am deem as a dictator ... I did not apply for the post, was given due to situational circumstances, no support from anyone. I chewed on the bitterness years after years. I not only defend for myself but my youngs and many more ...

I don't know hoe long I need to face such hostility with myfolks but I know deep inside me God's is with me somehow. I live per my mission/goals/conscience - I don't really need acceptance and gratefulness.

I listened attentively on others shared experiences and advices and I made my own judgement.

All can fail me, but myself. Those who tested my patience, hurt me, abandon me only make me more determine, independent and deepen my insight of life.

2008-09-05T21:32:00.001-07:00

Key to survival for plants/trees is to have more roots less shoots, so that to lay firm foundation to weather bad elements, resistant to strain and able to reach deeper and wider ground for water in case of drought.

People are like seeds, if fell along the path, birds may eat them, fell on rocky ground with no soil, may not live long, at times sun may scorched them. If seeds fell on gold soil it would brought forth grain many folds but it needs time, patience, perservence for it to grom from seeds -saplings - young tree, mature tree ... pollination, fertization ....

So we ought to lay a good, sound foundation for us and let nothing hinder our mission on Earth.

Table Tennis Issues

2008-08-23T20:35:00.000-07:00

Through all these unpleasant events/issues ... portrayed the lack of communications among the committee members. Ms Lee Been Wah claimed there will be an investigations before decision but her hasty, impulsive decision set one to think it was mapped per her own emotion and lack of compassion. Why drop a 'bomb' before the celebration (a 48 years of long wait of Olympic medal) to dampen everyone's spirits.

Even if Anthony Lee (Sports Mgr) or Liu Guodung (Main coach) made a wrong, grave judgement or decision, as a good, strong-minded 12th graded player - Gao would able to collect his resentment without a coach to play his 'own' match after years of practises. He should adapt 'no fear' attitude than need a 'nanny' to support/comfort him. Afterall he faced a weaker opponent.

Ms Lee Been Wah as a new STTA president should step up to the blade to sit in the 'coach seat' should she awared that Gao had no 'nanny' even at last hour. Give him a pep talk or think a quick solutions to the saga. Should not axe staff to exercise her power, rather she should act as mediator to weave good working relationship among all players, coaches and staff at STTA, let no repat of same mistakes in future.

If I am Anthony Lee at last hour to enjoy the fruit of hard labour to be axed off suddenly, would I wish to repply to 'beg' for the job. If I am really good, would I need to be sacred cow to be sacrificed. Afterall, a lot of facts and factors plus flaws in one's characters that caused the regret (its 4 years of hard work and dedications of all).

2008-08-11T23:59:00.000-07:00

Presume one has 75 years of life ..... if required to work hard for 25 years and enjoy the fruit of hard labour of 50 years .... isn't ideal situation than the other way around.

Yet many often hope to enjoy now, and refuse to look into the future.
All complaint about the unfairness of life holds for one and demand better and higher treatment.

Actually who dare to say that in some way, none went through some type of traauma during childhood and some of us come into adulthood with a lot of wouonds and disadvantages.

But it is up to us to react. We can either choose to be defined by our past or allow it to fuel us toward great things. Be our pitfalls or motivation to spur on us.

Many of us has troubled childhood .... be it poverty, abuse, divorce, physical handicaps, death in the family, drugs, gambling, loner etc etc.....some even went through wars.

Many like the Einstein, Churchill, Mother Theresa, Mentor Lee etc etc had accomplished great things despite their ill fated childhood.

Hardship comes into every life. The true test lies in what we choose to do with it. Don't let your past become an excuse that cause you fall, rather let it be an inspiration for excellence.

For what has happened yesterday was over, and nothing can be done. What is happening today is more important. What is going to happen tomorrow which we can't predict but we know it will depend on what we choose to do today.

2008-08-10T20:14:00.000-07:00

Olympics or any sport events bring out the best and worst in people.
Their skills, their attitude , team spirit and their harmony spirit.

Winners beam in glory to celebrate their heard earned efforts while losers in dejection for their unfulfilling effort.

Some loers admired those who won and look-on with admiration, a valuable time/lesson to learn, a memory that kept them motivate to battle the next challenge.

While some losers angry with the winner and may be on themselves for not earning that fame and glory, feel rejected, a bitter memory that thumb-down their spirits temporary (hopefully) or worst forever.

In life, we are like sportsmen, we often hope we are constantly 'winners'.
In all depends how we want to carve our paths for it, it is not so much how hard we are drilled by trainrs, or how good our mentors are or was, or how many supporters or fans rally around us or how much time and effort we put in before the race but how we face the challenge with determinations and attitude to see it through no matter what rather to pin it on luck and hope.

Even if one fails, below own expectaions, it is how one able to treat it as a valuable experience to pick up the broken pieces, mend the sore ego, spring up to carry on the next race/phase of life without fear but in faith with God and himself/herself.

No matter how much praises (for winners) or comfort (for losers), the most rewarding is self satisfaction (for winners), or self justifications (for losers).

Our mind, our spirit, our attitude, our perverseness, our determination, our hunger, motivates us to pursue our goals/dreams.

Pessimistic lowers our expectatons, clip our wings, lock our determination to turn things around.

Optimism increases our detrmination to win against all odds, set our spirit high to soar in the sky like an eagle, to do our utmost best. We are in controls, we accept, face, battle, dissolve it.

Which type you want to be ..... or who you are?

2008-08-08T20:25:00.000-07:00

Nowadays, people's emotion, tolerance are so vulerable and weak, crumbled down like a pack of cards. Actually, if the cards are place strategic, it can support two person on top of it. No joike, it was proven.

It's no idiots' guide to success, one need to be more objective and positive in looking at things with different perspective and no angles.

Be open, accept, take it and battle it and move on in any difficult situations. Pointless to harp over spill milk, what's done can't be undone ......

Many are so mindful about the popularity and acceptance among peers. If life trim per each one perceptive then there nothing form or done in this world.

There will no law and order, no leaders, no harmony. All famous personnel in the world do not have rosy background or acceptance before they are known.

To christians, God promised life ..... the life is no riches or sweet constantly. It entails all elements to enable one to grow.

All have each special story to tell about himself or herself, it is their own and none in this world same with theirs, it is their willingness to open up and share their secrets pass that enrich the rest. It is their own acceptance that they felt no fear to let others to know more about themselves, for they know with God's love, there is no fear or shame about it.

2008-08-04T20:27:00.001-07:00

Objective or subjective ....
Are we guiding by our heart or brain ....
Often we seen many motivate to achieve their goals against all odds ...
Whether for pride, frame or their dreams ..... like sportman, politicians, leaders etc.

Whether they have the supports, capabilities or abilities (some may be handicaps, poor, disadvantage of birthplace etc)
Only one mission to fulfil their dreams and goals .... to do the best for themselves.

While the other group of people ... only hoping the lady luck will shine on them.
They just take everything that throw to them for granted and with a pinch of salt.
No motivation, no dreams, no drive to seek the best for themselves.

Objective ..... being positive ..... see things at different angles and walk through problems.
Kept working with faith and confidences .... being a strong willed character. As you know, you reap what you sow.

Subjective .... being negative ..... see only one side of things and hold on their ways, deaf on advice and blind to see the bright side of life. Only fault others, and hope others to rescue us, just goes around the problem or even worst never get pass it.

Remember we are what we eat. We are what we choose to be. Circumstances can be unfavorable, it definitely can't please each and every one, but it all depends on how we make each day and opportunity the best we can.

Face it, accept it, think about it, work on it, resolve it, ... never repeat the same error.
Just remember it as a memory or lesson that you can share with someone or help others.

2008-07-30T00:50:00.000-07:00

Pick up this little poem from a NZ newfounded friend, which worth for us to review, reflect and react ....

There is once an old wise owl ....
Who lives in an oak....
The more it listens, the less it talks ....
The less it talks, the more it learns ....
Why can't we like the old wise owl .....

We seldom really listens to others tentatively, whether good or bad ...
We at times, also quick to speak out or shorten the conversations by giving our opinion ...
We are complacent, over confidence, fearful being judged, so we seldom wish to be heard ...
We also loved others to sing praises instead of criticism ....
We are blind/deaf, often with criticism/mistakes we grew wiser, our eyes/minds are opened.
We need sunlight to work, we also need moonlight to let us rest, so nothing remain rosy forever.

2008-07-20T22:44:00.000-07:00

Men biggest enemies - his own choices over greed and women.
Even in the bible, we read many who fought, fall due to their folly mistakes.

Quoted in Proverbs 7: 22-23
"All at once he follows her, as an ox goes to the slaughter, or as a stag is caught fast til an arrow pierces its entrails, as a bird rushes into s nare, he does not know that it will cost him his life."

We are warned :- (Proverb 7:25-26)
"Let not your heart turn aside to her ways, do not stray into her paths; for many a victim has she laid low; yea, all her slain are a might host."

Wised up men !

2008-07-16T22:07:00.000-07:00

Changes .... some may gradually, some drastic ....
Yet we can stop ourselves or anyone or anything to stop changing.
In fact we have to change our mindset, our lifestyle to suit the current situations.

Only thing we have to hold on to our principles and moral values when we are adapting changes in this fast pace society.

Can't lose our own identity to win favors, fame, money .... for all are temporary pleasures and at the end of the day, we wish others remember for what we done and not what we never done. We should folly to earn something small and losing bigger at the end, at expenses of our choices.

Something to chew on .....

2008-07-15T20:52:00.000-07:00

An old member named Roy of my exercise team returned to God's home (passed away).
Never get to know him personaly but heard about his generousity of donating tees for ex. group.

What pop out ..... and something for thought
"Are you going to the funeral service?"
"I have to xxxxxxxx"
"I want to xxxxxxxx"

When we ponder on the words we spoken and thoughts behind it .....

We have to, is like a chore for us to do and we dont have any choices.
While I want to, we aredoing something we love to and looking forward to.

In life, if we keep our minds about I "really want to" do something, we actually do it willingly and the end results whether favorable or slightly fall short to our expectations, we are not so sore about it. We are more positive in doing the things, we see the lighter side of it.

When the though of "I have to" do something if not, we are doing things to fulfil a committment, to please someone or have no other alteratives thus we are felt a chore to do it. We are worn out mentally, physically and the end results even favorable, may reap no joy from it, as we never enjoy doing it in the first place.

Let's tuned our minds to positive ways, do things we wish to do, want to do and not have to ....
Seek God's grace, strength and love to do things. Take all the unhappiness we stumbled on as a test of faith in Him.

No one seen God...
Like love, peace and hope all are invisible, yet all on earth are fighting for it, one way or another.

2008-07-10T19:43:00.000-07:00

When things blew out of proposition or falls below our expectations
Often we quick to fault others that causes us to react than self reflections
Our self defence mechanism, shield us and put our mind to defend

Our beautiful mind can heal and at times kills us softly
Many would says let bygones be bygones
Each setbacks will be valuable lessons for us to move on

How many able to think rational and logically and bury the hatchet completely
Or kept the disturb ill feelings brewing within ourselves
Kept our soul trapped in teh darkness, let one lived in resentful, punishment way

Isn't human a fool
Agreed the more we kept the ill feeling within ourselves, the more damage it caused
We never come into terms with everything and everyone, we kept fault finding
Letting it go .... not only forgive others, but also release our trapped, unhappy soul within
Feel less burden, more assurance, more positive ..... we at peace!!
What matters, is self acceptance, self assurance, self focus , self motivation.... self judgement.
LOVE, JOY AND PEACE ......

2008-07-09T19:36:00.000-07:00

There isn't any quick fix or miracle cure in life.
Nothing can be worn on the neck or place as 'good luck' charm, we only buying a hope/a wish.
Wishes only materalise if one puts in effort to turn all favorable accordingly to one wishes.

Often no matter how many things or advice put forth to us but if one refuses to heed or pave his/her way towards their goals, they remain at ground zero, no changes, no improvements.

One often trap into his own entrapment of fantasy, anger and resentment.
No matter how clever or capable one looks, it just the 'wrapper', what counts and last longer is what within.

2008-07-04T18:21:00.000-07:00

Dislike those who labelled and packaged themselves as better off than others in terms of wealth, status and attitude.

I always felt such group of people are so shallow and feel insecure and peg with lower self esteem that they need such boosters to make them feel great and hopefully earn 'respect' from others. What a fool and pathetic.

Only those are inferior and has less need 'extras' yet at the end of the day, not many cares. It's what inside you that can offer that counts and not what you show others. If one needs these frills to win friendships, these are weathered friends, can't depend them for sound advice. They are like vultures, had their fill and off they go.

Life gifts, the thought that counts and not size, the ribbon and wrapper on the box.
A good book is what able to withhold the writer's attention to finish it and not the book cover.

2008-07-01T02:23:00.001-07:00

Our search for joy takes us many different directions (dream holidays, shopping, good food, clothes, friends, cars ..... etc, the list seems to be endless.

All these are temporary joy.
The real joy is self satisfaction, family bond, positive outlook, blessed health.

We should be thankful with all the things we are having before and now,
whether it was beyond or below our expections
For in reality, our 'wealth' bound to be below more fortunate people,
sametime, may be above those less fortunate people on Earth,
Yet we shared the same place to live in.

Be contended, as long as we never shortchanged ourselves.
Walking the right path, never harm others for self gain.
We should lead a happy and positive life, we are loved by God and our family.

Egg story

2008-07-01T02:23:00.000-07:00

Fertilized egg become chick
Unfertilized egg sold to market or consume

Egg itself has different ways of consumption too :-
- sunny side up (sunshine egg)
- soft boiled
- hard boiled
- scambled
- salted egg
- omelette
- century egg
- baked into a cake
- steamed as custard
- use it as natural meat tenderizer
- use it for beauty mask
- aged egg become rooten egg

Whatever and whenever there are lots of way of using an egg. An egg has different kind of 'fates' and becoming....... so as human only difference, we can choose our directions, our becoming depends on ourself and which path we are taking.

Surviving skills

2008-06-29T20:20:00.002-07:00

Often we don't wish to take risk or step out of our comfort zone.
We hope others able to path the best path for us, instead of us paving per our goals/interest.
When we stumbled, often blamed others instead of ourselves for wrong choices.

Surviving skills :-
- Breakdown goals - never overestimate or underestimate self. Break down into smaller goals,
this will help us to maintain a momentum of achievement which makes the end results easier.
Like food, we need to chew them in mouth, drop them into stomach for more digestion and
later into smaller intestines for further digestion.

- Keep calm - try not to take unnecessary risks or let yourself be rushed. Should weight the
pros and cons before you act. Use your head instead of heart to work things out. Be open to
advice but still need to weigh them calmly.

- Expect setbacks - no fun to have setbacks but once you have achieved your gols, you will
look back and appreciate them for the learning experience they provided. Success took
considerable effort and resilience to get there.

Having self couragement can go a long way in helping self to achieve important milestones in our lives. Often many said through God's grace, they are able to face the most difficulties in life because they are filled with positive thoughts and left they are not alone to fend for themselves, felt encouraged.

Love and hatred are feelings, our judgement and outlook. They are invisible, invincible and complex .... entails not only boy-girl relationship, siblings, elders, parents, friends, fellowmen, members of clubs, churches etc .... including food, pets etc.

2008-06-29T20:20:00.001-07:00

Thru grace, we able to see the positive side of things.
We able to weather the bitterness of life and carry ourself to the next phase with strength.
Bore less anger, less resentful and less punishment to ourselves and health.

Thru unforgiveness and resentment, we mentally punish ourselves.
Blind to see worthy side of living on this Earth, thus we are mislead by the evil thoughts.
Unable to forgive our mistakes, our choices and blamed others for our doings instead.
We bore our punishment and at times we even deeper our mistakes further.

Which path are you choosing?

2008-06-22T06:02:00.000-07:00

The power of focusing can be seen in light.
Diffused light has little power or impact but you can concentrateits energy by focusing it with a magnifying glass, the rays of sun can be focused to set grass or paper on fire.

If light is foucsed more like a laser beam, it can cut through steel.
If you want your life to have impact, focus it.
Stop dabbling.
Prune away bad habits and even good activities and do only that matters most. Set priority.

Regrets would remains as regrets and nothing can atone it.
You either learnt through a mistakes and start a new route/path or continue to blunder further and never see light.

You have choices and whatever your choices are, you need to meet the consequences at the end.
Whatever the results will be ..... good or bad, you can't fault or praise anyone that lure you in.
As you should make a firm, well thought and right choices.

2008-06-19T20:19:00.000-07:00

Divorce, kids usually in custody of mom.
Not kids are closely knitted to mom, nor the mom had better earning power.
Mom's love, rather to fight together with the coop, than abandon them in the 'wild'.

Usually dad does not wish to should any responsibilties, it was their irresponsibilties that cuase either one party to astray and betray the family.

The mom continues to battle the ups and downs of motherhood, yet often these ungrateful kids does not see the virtues of their mom but their vice. Often broke into shouting matches.

Whether the family intact or disperse, kids often eyed on parents being overpower, unreasonable, biased .... they forgotten to count each blessings they had when they are defendless and who are their 1st teacher who taught and played with them.

Kids are so self-centred that they thought they are more intelligent, more superior than parents. They forgotten their roots, just like human forgotten their creator, God.

As they aged older, they become bolder, kids would fight for their 'freedom' and human rights. it is not the generation gap, but it is the mindset and how we takes many things for granted. Mindful, each has their turn to be old and helpless. No one is toys that can discard and purchase off the shelf.

Everything is rosy now, because kids don't need to shoulder the responsibilities, when they have to fend for themselves, on their own feet, isn't too late not to heed the old folks sayings ...... work hard for the future.

Generation Gap??

2008-06-17T19:25:00.000-07:00

No generation gap, just lack of communication.
Most parents, hope their teens do teh 'right' thing and make 'right' choice.
Don't wish they make the same mistakes as they did.

I am learning to respect and accept all from different backgrounds, different skills and ways of thinking.

All of you labelled me 'I know better' or "Everything I do is right" but you should know I don't have parents to guide me when I am young so I grew up quickly and learned at an early age how to fend for myself - I am self sufficiency and strongly independent, often decisions make without anyone input.

I am trying to be flexible, open-minded, willing to take emotional risks.
To my friends, I am easygoing, accomodating person but inside I want to preserve a sense of self worth.

All of our moods affects our judgement and often we look on vices than virtues and often take things for granted.

We don't inject new activities or renew our bondage thus teh relationship become distant and dull. The communication lines become weak. It is not generation gap, we are too self-centred.
Become of that, one set to venture outside for adrenaline and get closer to outside friends and influence.

Am driving myself ....

2008-06-16T19:04:00.000-07:00

Depart resentment .... those who have hurt you in the past cannot continue to hurt you now unless you hold on to the pain through resentment.
We only hurt ourselves with bitterness.
The culprits get on their lives yet we as victim hold on our past and nothing will change the past.

Be brave, do not be driven by fear. Fear-driven people often miss opportunities because they're afraid to venture out. Play it safe, avoiding risk-takings. To defeat fear move against it with faith and trust in God and self.

Do not need to seek others approval to rule our lives.
Worried by what others might think about ourselves ... parents, spouses, children, teachers, peers pressure and friends etc.

Unfortunately thse who follow the crwod usually get lost in it.
Don't know all the keys to success, but one key to failure is to try to please everyone.
Another failure key is unused potential, unnecessary stress and an unfulfilled life.

Without a purpose, life is motion without meaning, activity without direction and events without reasons. Without a purpose, life is trivial, petty and pointless.

Others can abandon us, God don't and you should not let yourself down too.

What drives our life?

2008-06-13T18:33:00.000-07:00

1) Driven by guilt
2) Driven by resentment
3) Driven by fear
4) Driven by materialism
5) Driven by the need for approval

Let's talk about resentment .... it always hurt you more than it does the person you resent. While your offender has probably forgotten the offense and gone on with life, you continue to stew in your past, perpetuating the pain. We only hurt ourselves with your bitterness.

God's words says "To worry yourself to death with resentment would be foolish, senseless things to do ....."

We hold onto hours and never get over them, rehearse it repeatly in mind instead of forgive. "Clamp up" internalise our anger or 'blow up' and explode it onto others. Both responses are unhealthy and unhelpful.

Self worth and net worth are not same. Your value is not determine by your valuables, Possessions can provide temporary happiness. Often we have the misconception that the more we have, we feel happy, more important and more secure - but all these are untrue. As things do not change, we eventually become bored with them and then want a newer, bigger and better version. Wealth can be lost instantly too through a variety of uncontrollable factors.

Real security and happiness can only be found in that which can never be taken from you - your relationship with family and God.

2008-06-11T21:01:00.000-07:00

Being spiteful caused more self damage
It generates anger and frustrations - the heart felt unhappy ...
The body also reacts to the moods, so the health and sleep affected .. feel ill and fatigue.
Such ill feelings if unable to subsides in due course ..
Grew into bigger issue and threat within

Become self-pity and more self centre, withdraw and living into own fantasy world.
Filled with hatred and harbour unhappiness
Blinded by other beautiful things and people around, deaf to sound advice.
All mental blocked.

One continue to live in self-made jailhouse, trapped in emotional struggle....
Eventually become 'mentally unsounded/unbalanced'.

We are seeing too many such tragedies unfolded in our era and eyes because we become selfish and unforgiving.

Our pitfalls and mistakes should be a lessons for us to improve self and a form of motivation to spur ourselves yet we choose to blame others for our choices we made.

We should not expect life will be kind to us, we should learn to make life better for us.
When roads are congested, don't we think of ways to improve and widen the road to ease it.
So when life/things is hard, we ought to make adjustments and think of solutions to resolve it.

Learn to open up, more forgiving, more positive and objective into looking at things
See all issues, things and people in different angles and deeper.

When one kept holding the fist tightly, can't grap anything at all.
The veins on the hands are uptight and blood squeezed but when open up the palm, they are relax and calm.

Smthg to ponder, digest and practise ....

2008-06-09T18:03:00.002-07:00

Read an interesting entry of HL blog which indirectly remind my calling and strengthen my faith.
It read as follows :-

A lot of times when face through problems, we feel tired, frustrated and sometimes even when you do your best, you get the worst in return, we always turn to God, expecting Him to give an antidote which solves the problem you are facing in a second, however, the antidote only solves the problem we are facing through temporaily. In the end, the same problem will return as we soon realise that the antidote only stops the pain, not the problem, the problem inside us will soon continue to attack the rest of our body even without us realizing it, tht is the main reason why God heals us through a long and painful treatment. God is giving us 'chemotherapy' where we sacrifice a lot for example our 'hair' just to get rid of our sinful, worldy habits and to strengthen our weakness. At the end of this painful treatment, not only God confrom us even more but we also develop patience and self control so CONTINUE TO PERSERVERE!!

Blog also quoted James 1:2-4
It touches my heart cord, perhaps indirectly God tells me to carry on nor He ever abandon me.

2008-06-09T18:03:00.001-07:00

Goodbye goldfish ...
You meant as food for other fishes yet
We changed your fate
In a bag of 2 dozens of your species
You fought the race for 4 years - outwit, outplay and outlast ..... Wow!

You enjoyed the solitary life for last few years although we ever try to match a pal for you.
You grew in size, perhaps you also succumb to complacency
You are so sheltered and forgotten the survival skills
Into a new environment (water condition, perhaps)
You fail to exercise your past experience of survival skills.

Did you give up without a good fight?
In the past, you don't have an airpump and in a small fish bowl.
In death, you had an airpump and very big fish tank all for self.
Our negligence or your complacency sealed your destiny.
Overly dependent on others.
Egocentric and complacency self shorten your peaceful life.

We have a wonderful time with you.
Your death remind us that we should always remember life is vulnerable and
We can't take things for granted. We have to be vigilant to survive and never give up easily.

2008-06-09T18:03:00.000-07:00

People trained in positive thinking see problems as opportunities to learn better coping skills.

Negative thinking, caused depression, a state in which the world can seem a stale and gloomy place.

Postive thinkings pormotes greater confidence for the following good reasons :-
- You can think more practicaly and effectively about difficult problems.
- Your mood or feelings will follow this learned way of thinking, leading to feelings of opt.

A wise person would often see setbacks as a motivation to improve self and turn situations around.

A foolish person would depend on others to provide and scream for attention, and help yet never willing to self correct.

2008-06-07T20:03:00.000-07:00

Finally a world no. 1 was 'born' ..... Ana Ivanovic
If Justin would not opt for early retirement at the last minute, nor Maria was knocked out.
Would she be crowned??

Anyway, she has potential to be a good player, she is lucky to achieve what others hoping for.
She done it much earlier than others. Keep it up!

2008-06-02T18:00:00.000-07:00

Emotions protrayed out are our own finished products, whether good or bad ones.
We often affected by the surroundings and what we' feed 'ourselves with, what drum into us.
We dipped our scales because we unable to find the right footing.
We failed to see the positive side of things.
We expected too much out of it and often wish all in favor to us, we just want the best to us.
We desire to upkeep with pace and others, yet we lose our identity and moral.
We often judged but refuse to be judged.
We often think what life can provide us, instead of what kind of life I should provide myself.
We take and don't give.

When all above, fall short of our presume expectations.
We fussed and angry.
We confused and upset.
We depressed and moody.
We felt life is unfair but refuse to make the best out of it.
We need help but dont know how, nor we want others to hear us out.
We hid away from others, zip up our mouths, locked our minds to accept reality, self pity.
We felt rejected, dejected .... even nurse a foolish thought .... death would be answer to problems.
We are just cowards, weaklings ....., a loser who goes around the problem and never gets pass it.

Awake up!
We are what we subject ourselves into. Mind over the body.
As winner goes through a problem.
Battle, filter, sort out of our emotions .... pick ourselves up after a fall and race again.
Life is not bed of roses..... there is always ups and downs.
If we wish to have more ups .... then we ought to be positive outlook in all things.
Even if we met anything bad, look deeper into it, there is always something good out of it.
That's the silver lining in the every cloud.

A winner feels responsible for more than his job, his choice, his decisions.
A loser would accept what is given, and just hope the best will be granted with mercy and grace.

2008-05-16T06:25:00.001-07:00

I am from Free Employment Agency,
I am a silly, folly, full of confidence and faithful person who signed a life-long contract to take on this unpaid job on 24/7 basis, with a peck of eyelids.

To me, at that time, was the most noble thing and rightful thing to do.
I thought it is a great role and I will be rewarded handsomely not measure by dollars and cents.
Sadly, after so many years of 'slavery' ..... I earned :
No appreciation, no reward, no respect, no love, nothing......

I tried very hard, my best, spiced up my job with
Love, effort, time, patience, understanding, tolerance, youth, sleep, food etc.....
What I heard loud and clearly and of course hurtful words ringing in my ears ....
EVERYTHING GOVERN BY YOU .....

If I don't run the finances well, I don't think anyone have music, swimming, tuition class at all.
There also no medical and dental, to have favorite food on table, treats at fave resturants, snacks in the afternoon. Some gifts not on any occasions.

If I don't protect the funds well, would there be a small sum of savings for all in the bank.
Would there be yearly, at times twice overseas trip for all.
As I took over the complete operations and run alone, like a clock.

I sacrifice my career, my youth to slave at home to harmonize.
I played different roles in a roll, 24/7, even I am sick, it has to be a short one because when
I am down all will standstill.

I played as a governor, chef, housekeeper, baby-sitter, tutor, discipline master, financier, playmate, security guard etc etc.

I always try to keep my cool when others in rage. I am also a human, I had feelings like all too.
I am playing dual role of governor, yet when I cried, cried out loud for help, no one come to help.

I wish to resign from this post. I wish I am able to retire early as Justine and move out of this
prison warden job for good.

House is like a 'prison' to all, the inmates are prisoners and all think I am a dictator, deed as prison warden. Deep down I am the worst 'prisoner' serving a life sentence.
Don't keep slamming at me, my spirits are low and getting weaker ......
If all treat me as a punch bag, I may not able to withstand anymore,
I would be forced to throw in the towel, when everyone can still remember me, like Justine.

2008-05-16T06:25:00.000-07:00

Who's on earth are not governed by someone.

In a country, there are laws and orders to follow. Someone or a group of people dictates the regulations and outlaws would be punished accordingly to their deeds.

In any religion, there are doctrines to follow and obey.

At home, parents provides and authorises to set groundrules to nurture their youngs. Whether by order or in God's eyes, it was rightful way to do.

Should any minor breaks rules, whether in school or outsides, parents as their governor will be hurled into the pictures to face the sentences together with delinquent. This judgement to the delinquent is humiliations and pain, to the governor is more painful in their hearts and soul than received physical punishments itself.

So this whole world is governed by rules, no one able to run away from it,
Or else the hell would break loose, everyone would do what they like, no rules, no laws....
World would be a more chaotic place to live in than now.

2008-05-15T22:03:00.001-07:00

Justine Henin, retired from Tennis World at a young age of 25 on 15 May 2008. (She is born on 1 June 1982). She had fought a good race to be World's No. 1 tennis palyer being short stature of 1.66m.

Although her glory days are over due to unforseen circumstances. She will be remembered to be a humble, sweet girl on the tennis ground. She had pursued her 1st dream and riding on a new phase of life. Good luck to you, Justine..... You will always be remembered as World No.1
Tennis Player.

Sometimes, we have to leave our 'love' but life still carries on ...... into another phase of life.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

2008-05-09T23:52:00.000-07:00

Good wife is far more precious than jewels.
The heart of her husband trusts in her and he will have no lack of gain.
She does him good and not harm all the days of her life. ****************************
*****************************************************************************
She opends her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy.
She is not afraid of snow for her household for all her household are clothed in scarlet.
******************************************************************************
She opens her mouth with wisdom and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
She look well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Herchildren rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her;
Many women have done excellently but you surpass them all.
Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Load is to be praised.
Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates.
(Extracts from Proverbs 31 : 10-31)

&&&&&&&
How many or how often do we think nor thank our mothers for her effort and help for us.
When we are young and dependent, we rely on them, her efforts are taken for granted.
When they are old, and continue to shower her love, we (kids) find they them a nag and ignore.
Do we need a date to remind us to be grateful to our mothers,
Or just a meal or a gift as a token of appreciation only on the chosen day.
The rest of the 364 days, she receive nothing, but our cold shoulders, and angry remarks.

Mothers are easily to please .... spare her your time to talk and listen to her till ripe old age will suffice, your presense and concern is best reward for till her job as mother ends.

2008-05-09T23:43:00.000-07:00

1st passion/goal to all sportsmen and sportswomen
To acheive glory and fame being the best of the best .... to be the top player of the world.

Devoted, dedicated, passionate in their dreams, spent time and effort and sacrifice something which is least valuable to them - education.
Yet no one realizes that when no one able to hold on the top position forever.

By then, when you looked back and find you lack of something to complete your life.
You realized that there is better things for you to gain and claimed yours forever,
Much better than money and fame - skills and knowledge.

Some may be fortunate to return to the books to seek their unfilled dreams but
Some may not able to seek it due to age, abilities, capabilities and opportunities.

To all, we have to select wisely, ride on the 'youth-train' and soar the best in your world.

2008-05-07T04:56:00.000-07:00

I isn't your stress ball to vent out frustrations.
I can't keep my cool constantly while you kept throwing out 'airs' and flare out temper.
What good reasons you have and what I have done wrong to deserve such treatments.

My intentions and words meant well and if constantly being slam at,
My willpower will be weaken, pointless for me to carry on the 'noble task'
To outreach and support you, as like you, I am a human need recognition, support and praise.

Status .. I am above you, don't I deserve respect rather than yellings and rude remarks/attitude
If by throwing your weight to signal you have grown 'wiser and smarter' than us.
Then, I really miss all the old times, that you rely on us ....
And wonder why you need to stretch out your hands to receive small allowance from us.

While you are still dependent on us, yet you at times crossed the line, show irrespect, belittle us
I drag the day when the tables are turn, I am dependable on you.

*You are not my piggy bank (I deposit money now and have returns later)
*I also not your ATM machine (Just keep sucking money out of me)

2008-05-07T04:51:00.000-07:00

Whatever you want men to do to you do also to them (Matthew 7:12)

If I am your mirror and you are learning about ropes of life through me,
Not a day, I curse anyone directly and openly who fail, betray, disappoint me ....
Instead I fill my heart with forgiveness and take the bitterness with grace ....
Deem as self discipline, self justify ... for what they done to me unfairly increased my wisdom.
Those who stumble me, make me stronger in character and ability.

2008-05-05T21:13:00.001-07:00

What is life to me ...
Plain as it will be, colourful if I take time and effort to spice it up.
Be it the happinest or saddest day, it would come to end, another new will be born tomorrow.
So why would one pass it without counting their blessings, they are safe and sound.

Life depends on what we want to do for ourselves.
To be aided, seeking supportive by others, why don't we learn to walk with pride, through our lives the way we want to be.

My childhood was not something I am always proud of, yet I never curse it.
My youth days wasn't supportive, yet I never be mindful about it.
My adulthood was as rosy as I thought to be, yet I never regret it.

Of course, there are times, I screamed in silence for help, wonder why no one to rescue me, understand me and supportive me .... what's my purpose in life. Yet I am not strong to confide to anyone about my unhappiness, for I know deep inside me, besides giving me a listening ear, who able to render assistance, who able to offload my problems.

I walked through each ups and downs alone.
Four years, agao, I am so depressed that I lost weight and sleep over emotion problems.
I almost call it a day, yet inside me, my stubborness refuse to let go without a good fight.
My self defense, my strong will helps me to battle the unhappiness alone till I live today.

Each day I live now, I treasure my being more than yesterday but less than tomorrow.
As no one truly able to provide any motivation to help me carry on the race except myself.
Self pity is pointless, ought to step up and move on.

All can fail me, but I can't fail myself.
All can hurt me emotionally or physically, but I can't disappoint myself by giving up hope.
I should love my life more than anyone in this world to treasure it with me.
Divine help or earthlings help, self help is best and most powerful to turn bad situations around.

2008-05-05T21:11:00.000-07:00

Bravo, for not throwing away your racket .... Justin, all the best in your German Open.
Regain your glory!! You go girl!

Silblings Rival?

2008-04-25T18:56:00.000-07:00

Rivals? Shouldn't be....
Afterall, from the same family .... should work like a clock.
Siblings are like parts of our body ..... right arm and left arm.
Can't bear to amputate one unless something happen to them.
When it is gone, we would not able to function as good as before.

Look closely at our body ....
Two ears, two ears, two nostrils, upper and lower lips, two arms, two legs ...
Brain, heart, lungs, kidney ...... two segments.
Teamwork ..... stomach and liver .. small and large intestines ... fingers and toes
So in a family, should we still breed sibling rivals.
Afterall, from the same family ....

Voice of Teenage

2008-04-23T20:52:00.000-07:00

I only want to be myself
Not quite a child, so putting childish ways aside
Need to cut apron strings, but clinging on to these last threads
Not quite ready to be fully apart.

I need to find myself, my identity, my own image.
I need to be different, yet afraid to be not the same.
I need to be accepted for who I am, not a clown nor a clone to some.

Feeling alone in a crowd, not being quite understood or acceptable by others.
Not daring to express my real views, for fear my opinions sucks or sticking out.
Can't fit into the pack but becoming the odd man out.

The fear of rejection, the outcast from the group.
Dying to belong, to sing the same song, play same games,
Hoping to be strong with time, don't wish to be seen alone as it is youth's unforgivable crime.

Feeling you'll never be understood
to keep your thoughts only with you
Hiden insecurities of this self-doubt
With nights spent i silent tears
to have your fragile world torn apart
By a word you didn't want to hear .... by parents

Feel empty to keep up with this fortress
Fearing never good enough for yourself or others
Living up to the expectations of fathers and mothers

****
From parents, we have been teenagers before, only at different times, but do face same dilemma before. It is how you seen yourself through the problems and not allow them to weight you like a ton and killed by it. Accepting the many mistakes that you will make but knowing there is someone like your parents to fall back on .... there is our love for you. You wish for understandings, we also wish for your acceptance. We like you, hope for a kind word now and then.

2008-04-21T18:21:00.000-07:00

To kill for love or be killed by love ....
What is love ?
Enjoy the accompany or need to compromise to be in one good books.
To be able to talk whatever under the sky or need to mindful not to hurt partner's egoism.
Able to share some liking of food, entertainment or need to eat/do whatever the other loved to.
Can hold hands in health or illness till golden age or need to prevent that you still looks good in parterns' eyes or one is looking around for younger brood.

When in love, all are blind.
When out of love, some are still blind.
When completely out of love, some are totally blind.

Never if love, anxious to have one.
Out of love, hoping to win back.
Out of love completely, fantasy to be still in it.

Even if you walk down in marriage lane, the flame of love may be distinguish if kept uncheck.
Different outlook, exposure and temptations set one to race for new excitement to kept youthful.
It is up to the mind again to be tempted to have refresh of taste of love .... or be faithful one.

Kids, moral, committment, responsiblities, dignity become secondary.... if not why divorces rates are pumping up, and the sexual trade has been on more than 100 years and no retrenchment.
The key factors .... "Life is short ..., I won't be caught ...., I have my needs ..... ........
The price ..... "Family or career at stake ....., HIV and STD as trophy ......., Poorer in wealth and in health.

Guys do you still think you are stronger sex.
Adam sweet-talked by Eve for an apple.
Yet repeatedly, guys never learnt lessons, still a love slave. Pathetic!

It's Up to You

2008-04-20T19:59:00.000-07:00

Stress, pose no disease .... just how we react to it that determines illness or health.
Should welcome it, work with it, and use it to reach our goals.
Don't sweat the small stuff, and do remember everything is small stuff.

People who live their lives to the fullest are those who take the most calculated risks and thrive on positive stress while minimizing harmful stress.

Exercise still able to make peace with our body ... prayer and meditation.
Laughter also is one of the best stress-management skills.
Seen many old folks working out, the live their lives as it comes.
They are youthful, not because they are feed with good food, but their take lives with ease.
Many been through the World War II, little education, little food .... but those are past.
No hatred, no bitteness but with high hopes to spur them on.

Why can't we, we have longer road to battle .....
Why we are not as brave as them to face disencouragement, failures ...
Why we are so feeble to succumb to weakness and blames the society what we are ...
We are what we mould ourselves into, feed ourselves, choose the way we want to be ....

2008-04-18T20:59:00.000-07:00

Relationship with friends just like clothes in the shopping centres.

Some your style, some dont.
Some you fancy but over your budget, while those affordable just dont catch your eyes.
Some suits comfortably, some don't.
Some colour runs after wash, looks dull and worn out, yet some still looks good.
Some designs out dated but some still evergreen.

Friends click with you like honey, some dont
Friends you fancy but they ignore you, while those your type but you find them bore.
Friends some shared same interest, some don't see eye to eye with you.
Friends after awhile abandon you to look new fun, but some stick with you thru thick and thin.
Friends outlook of life may change and desert you but some still occasionally keep in touch.

Whatever ... we have lots of clothes to wear to suit the occasion, our preferences, our comfort.
Friends also come and go ...., we can't expect friendship last forever like fairy tales.
We also can't depend them to be 24/7 and shares the same interest forever.
Having said that, in a family, as we growing up, our outlook and expectations of life varies.
We grew, for good or bad ..... mature or imature ..... we never expect others able to accept us.

Life is goes on, to let our anger, frustrations, unhappiness release from our inner hearts, we also learn to let go ourselves and be happy.
Why do we need to lock ourselves as prisoners of wall, to nurse all the unwanted happiness within us. Do us any good?
To be happy or to be sad ...... the world is evolving, your enemy still lives on happily, while you sore like a sore thumb. Why don't we live happily, do something useful and helpful to ourselves than keeping harping the past.

Past is history, we can't rewrite, we only able to learn from it.
Present is what we should do, never let history to repeat itself again.
Like driving a car, we look infront, we see where we are going, and how to go. We don't look back and see the road we had past.

2008-04-13T22:55:00.000-07:00

Bothers me... the harder I tried to help, the further I am thrown away.
Bothers me, the friendlier, I tried to befriend, the strongest rejection I received.
Bothers me, the more concern I tried to spare, the rudest outburst I have to bear.

When others stood afar to watch, folded up their hands and deaf to the complaints and cries for help, yet I did not give up. I fought hard, very hard, read a lot to help, make myself calmer to analyze the situation ..... I just want to share the same space, give support. To have understanding role yet I am a failer.

I failed in all my stages of life..... a child, a teen, a youth, an adult .....
Life more fair to me, I do not have any support from anyone but I am strong to brave through.
Life to me also embeded with temptations but I am strong to fend them.
The world/earth I am living is just the same as now, only computer is an additional tool.
The difference, you have parents to rely on, to throw temper to, lots of love given.
You are luckier than me, in many ways ...... at least you have a 24hr mom to yell at and to.

2008-04-10T20:48:00.000-07:00

Look into my eyes
There's nothing to hide
It's true, everything I do, I do it for you!

Often you see me breathing hard down your neck,
I actually hope I could shield you from been hurt,
I would fight for you.
I would shares your happiness and sadness.

I wish I can take over your youth (place).
I would have 2nd chance to re-run my life all over again.

I wish I can take over your place.
I am stronger to weather all downs as I have more positive, forgiving outlook of life than you.
It's true, whatever I do, doing and done, I do it for you!

2008-04-10T01:10:00.000-07:00

Travelling abroad, gave me joy of being with loved ones, at times some insights too :-

On Jeju island, looking at the old aged females divers, their equipment are mininal, must have to grope in dark, freezing water to retrieve shellfishes, like oysters, abalone for a decent living. They must have custs by the shells and rocks often yet they brave through lives with a broad smile and satisfaction.

In caves of Australia, New Zealand and Korea .... many explorers also grope in dark and face unknown yet they edged on to seek unexpected findings and answers to their finds. Some may be eventful and fruitful ... at times none. They hard earned findings, our present joy and pride.

Our best may not measure up to the standards of others but we can't give up our hope nor rely on luck and mercy. We also can't harm ourselves through planting bad habits, thoughts and losing faith in ourselves.

Nuture ourselves with bad habits, to lie, to cheat, to repel, to revenge ..... planted the thoughts of greed, worshipper of money, sexual etc to our decent mind. As such, we are no better than evils, terrorists ..... the world is getting harder, and worst each day, no wonder to many doomsday is near ..... when and how it would happen, no one would have the true answer except God.